Losing it

I try and hold things together, but there is always something.......
In my previous self I was an organized, list making, remember to do things kind of person. I had a routine and people knew they could count on me.
Now I'm not so sure.
In my previous self when I would need to remember to do something, I usually just went ahead and did the task....I could even be found guilty of putting things on a list that were already completed, just to check them off.
lame.

Now, I think of things while I'm at work, or driving the car, or sitting in church, or trying to fall asleep at night, and wish I could put the thought with the task of writing it down.
Needless to say I forget a lot of things until they are due, or past due. I lose documents that need to be turned in because I try and sign things/fill out the form when it is received and then misplace it before it is time to turn it in. AARGH. I hate that.
Makes me feel like such a dork.

Turns out in my spaciness I am even starting to lose friendships. Not in a bad way, but just in an "why don't you notice me anymore?" kind of way. Makes me feel like a schmuck because I really want to say "I'm sorry, but I don't really notice anything anymore...it's nothing personal!"

So, I'm losing it and I'm getting damn tired. I hate feeling like I am not my best self, even though I am pretty stinkin happy most hours of the day. Someday I hope to feel more together and develop some sort of a system to keep from always feeling a step behind where I should be.
Losing it sucks.
The funny thing is I can't really put my finger on what "it" is that I've lost, which makes it even harder to find.

I Love to Ask People for Money!

The 2011-12 school season has officially started.
Know how I can tell?
Because I have three children, each selling something as a fundraiser.
If I see another order form for cookie dough, trash bags, or candles........

Call me.
Orders are due next week.

Jane--Joyful Noise Preschool 2011-12

After many tears, shouts of NO, cries of "I don't want to", and offers of bribery on our part.......
JANE GRACEN MARTENS has started preschool!!!

We were so thrilled when Jane came home from her preschool open house saying she LOVED it and would be willing to go back for the real deal on Friday. When she woke up that morning, I was sitting by her bed watching her, thinking how I can not believe my baby is old enough to start preschool. When she opened her eyes up, she smiled at me and softly said "this is my school day isn't it momma?" This girl brings me such JOY that my heart melts when she smiles. There is something about being the baby of the family......our third blessing......I knew her first day of school was going to bring some tears.

Jane dressed in her favorite skirt and shirt, wanted her hair done like the sisters' hair(ponytail) and wore her backpack to eat breakfast. We took a gazillion pictures and finally it was time.

We had a little snafu once we got to church as Jane wanted to take her beloved stuffed animal in with her. After finally convincing her that Curly would wait patiently for her in the car, we were off.

I love that our church has such a fantastic preschool. Both Tess and Kate have attended there, and it is the same area that the girls go to Sunday School each Sunday. Thankfully it is a familiar place to Jane, even if the concept of going to school isn't! I told Jane to lead us to her classroom and as you can see, she had left her worries at home and took off down the hall with her ladybug backpack bouncing.

After putting away her backpack, us taking more pictures, and me trying to hold on to the moment for as long as possible, it was time to go. I managed to get a hug and a kiss and it was back to playing with the toys along side her friends. Yes, I cried...and there was a thoughtful box of kleenex waiting for me on my desk at work. I waited all afternoon for a call from my sweet Janey to hear how her day had gone. Finally around 3pm my phone rang and I learned what had kept my darling so busy........

Preschool was exhausting. She had played hard, sang songs, went outside, and had cupcakes for a friend's birthday. Andy said she fell asleep on the way home from Preschool at noon and had just woken up before calling me. As I pulled into the driveway that evening I was greeted with her shouting " I loved it mom!" Music to my ears.

It is so funny how her going to school makes my heart feel so heavy but puts such a smile of JOY on my face.

Kate--Kindergarten 2011-12

Our middle blessing started Kindergarten this year!! She had been waiting patiently to be "big" like Tess for what seems like years. We are thankful she attended summer school during the month of June to get a taste of what going to school every day was going to feel like. She was exhausted and whiny after the first couple of mornings.....difficult to wake up, and then once she was up, she didn't really want to go to anywhere. We spent a few minutes trying to schmooze her into going until we finally broke the news to her that going to school is not a choice, it's the law. You should have seen the size of her big blue eyes when we told her that the police would arrest us if she didn't go to school.

That was the first week, and ever since she has been excited and loving school. Every day we ask her to tell us three things that happened at school. She almost always says "I didn't have to go to the Principal's office!"

Kate is also learning that not all kids handle their emotions the same. One day she came home from school with the story of a boy that put his hands up in fists and growled like a bear when someone touched his toy car. To hear her tell the story, a knock down fight almost happened.

Reading is becoming something she enjoys to do, not just to have stories read to her, but to try and read them herself. JOY! We are constantly helping her sound things out, and spell words. She loves to practice her writing, and her artwork has excelled to include words now.

Kate had her first sleepover right before school started with a preschool friend. The friend slept over at our house first, then Kate got to stay over there. Both nights were a total success. We were so proud of her, but probably not as proud as she was of herself.

Kate is going to do great things this year. She is singing in the Cherub choir again this year, learning new things about God during Sunday School, and is still the best pray-er I know. Next week she will participate in a cheer camp led by the KHS cheerleaders and Golden Girls. Kate has always been our dancer girl and it clearly brings her JOY to shake her booty. Dang if she isn't pretty good at it too.

Her emotions are still her worst enemy and we have had to introduce the concept of being a "cry baby" with her. She cries over the silliest of reasons, although to her they seem like life changing events. Recently she was having a really rough evening and I asked her if something was bothering her. It turns out that Tess had gotten in trouble on the bus, and her getting in trouble had embarrassed Kate.....to the point of tears. This same emotional child is also the one that loves to hug me every day when I get home, enjoys making cards and pictures as gifts for people, takes loving care of her stuffed animals, and remembers to say please and thank you better than most adults.

Can't believe she has started school. The first five years of her life have flown by and I worry the next five will as well. The only consolation for her growing up so quickly

is that there are such amazing things in store for our blonde haired blue eyed beauty.

Tess--Fourth Grade 2011-12

Tess turned the big 1-0 on September 4th. We surprised her with a new Diamondback mountain bike, style named "The Tess". It's a pretty expensive bike for a 10 year old, but how could we not buy a bike that had her name on it? We surprised her with the bike and she has already ridden our money's worth out of it. Thanks to her Unkie John her bike is now tricked out with a bell(annoying) and a light(for night time rides?) which she thinks is pretty darn cool. And thanks to some birthday cash, she bought an uber expensive water bottle and holder.....all because it was cool looking and she could.

Tess started the fourth grade this year and is loving it. We are blessed with a oldest daughter that loves school, loves to learn, and enjoys the social scene without being a social butterfly. She just got her "driver's license" in math (involved passing a timed math facts test) and has already done her required oral book reports for the quarter. This year they get to really get their hands dirty with science experiments and their social studies class is devoted to learning about the State of Missouri. She is skipping the drama club performance this semester to try rec. league volleyball, and she has been practicing for her upcoming piano and voice recital in October. This is her first year getting to be involved with Kids for Christ at church and I am thrilled that this is the beginning of a long and exciting journey of learning about her faith and putting that faith into action. We are learning that the older she gets the mouthier she gets and we are in constant limbo between encouraging her to express her sassy self and wanting to ground her for the snarky comments that she says. Even with that being said, she is my first born blessing, and we are so very proud of her, even though I can't possibly be old enough to have a ten year old.

Tess--first day of fourth grade--2011

September 11, 2011

Ten years ago today I was getting my one week old daughter ready for her first doctor's appointment. I turned on the television and immediatly saw the live coverage of the first tower minutes after it had been hit. I clearly remember asking Andy to "come look at this.....is this for real?" We were late for that doctor's appointment.
This morning our family of five was glued to the television watching the coverage of the memorial service at Ground Zero and the tributes on the History Channel. We were late for church.

This evening as we watch still more coverage of the tragedy I can't help but wonder what it would have been like if my firefighter/paramedic husband had somehow been involved.
I wonder if he would have been one of those that would have run into the building with the plan to save and rescue. Would he have considered it his duty to serve and to protect?
Or would he have thought twice, said screw this, and run like a chickens#*t back to our home into the loving arms of his waiting family.
I am sure there are many, many people that wish their loved one would have taken the chickens#*t route.....they might still be here today.
I know for a fact there are many, many people that only are comforted by the knowledge that their loved one was so brave and courageous.
Since my husband and father of my children is safely here with me today, I am proud to think he would have gone into that building without a doubt of if he should......maybe a few thoughts of what he might lose....but still would have gone.
But any other scenario and I might have wished, for a just a brief second, to have a chickensh#*t husband.

Humble Pie

Quick synopsis of our house selling/buying adventures thus far....

--The house we want has a contract pending(still) and we won't know if it sells for another week or two.....or three or four.

--Looking at other houses is fun, but usually ends in disappointment. They look promising on paper, but when we actually step through the front door we are let down. OR we walk around trying to see the potential in a certain house when deep down we know it is not a house we want. It ends up being a waste of our time, of our realtor's time, and of our emotions.

--Keeping a house clean enough for a (rare) showing is hard. really hard. We have already started to ease up on our cleaning expectations. Our house is still cleaner than it's ever been though!

--The doubt that anyone will ever want to buy my house is toxic to my spirit.

--Building a house is expensive. There is a reason why builders are having a hard time right now. It cost a lot of money and people just don't have it. period.

--Trying to find a house is stressful on a marriage. period.

--Banks are not lending money to just any Joe Blow these days. We have an appointment with a loan officer tomorrow and I am nervous. I feel like it is an interview to determine my financial worth.

--Learning that we have champagne taste with a Miller High Life budget.....at least it is the champagne of beers!

--We are learning that humble pie tastes pretty good with our cheap beer. We have a house that we can afford, that is safe and protects us. We have kids that can ride their bikes, not just because the neighborhood is safe, but because they are healthy enough to do it. We have jobs that we love, and even having a job is a big stinkin' deal these days.

--The patience this whole process is requiring and the stress we are feeling, added to the fear of the unknown may drive me to drink above mentioned cheap beer.