Mothering Fail

Today was a bad day for the Martens 4. (Andy was at work)
It started out with me oversleeping on the morning I was to pick up Tess from camp. Not cool. Between the rain, a dark room, no snoring beside me.......I was o-u-t. I woke up about 12 minutes before I had wanted to leave. I jumped out of bed, shouted at the other two girls watching cartoons to get dressed, and about 18 minutes later we were out the door. The good news is we made it in plenty of time.
Bad news is my oldest blessing did not seem a bit happy to see her family. Not that I expected her to rush into my arms and cry tears of joy, but a hug and a smiling hello would have been nice. Did not happen. Tess is ready for an all week camp, so get over it mom, right?
Wrong. I kind of stewed about it all the way home from Lawson. That and the fact that she had no camp stories, no Jesus moments, no fun stories.....just some nonsense about a girl at camp that was totally non-camp related. I DON'T CARE, I wanted to shout. Anywhoooo

We got home, I tried to re-start my mood by watching a favorite show that I had taped on the DVR. It was going great until Tess comes down and says that Kate has just hit her in the face and shouted hateful things. ( a similar interaction between the two of them had happened about 30 minutes before, and I had to get after them.......) Well, let's get this fixed now because I've had about it enough.

While I really doubt Tess's innocence in this foray, I do know that lately Kate has been acting out her feelings rather than using words. Her temper flares quick, she lashes out, and then usually feels immediate guilt. For some reason she has it in her mind that she can't control this reaction and that she is a bad kid. I know this is not the case, but convincing her of this is not easy. She is pretty sure she is unlovable and a bad kid, so therefore can't help but "forget" how to act when upset with someone.
My middle blessing is a wonderful child. She is so lovable and amazing and crazy cool. Tell me how you can love your children the same but have one child who has so much doubt in her love-ability. We had a long talk, and she had a really long cry. I am not sure what it is going to take to get her through this good-girl-acting-badly phase, but I hope it passes quickly.

We went shopping for Mimi and had about a 3 hour good stretch.

Then we came home. Lordy. Kate spilled every liquid thing she touched. Twice. Tess was tired and cranky, making messes and irritating Kate on purpose. Jane was whiny and tired, needy and wanting me to do every little thing for her.
Kate's dinner time prayer was thanking God for today, even though it had been a bad day, and please let tomorrow be better because we can't handle it being a worse day.
Amen, to that.

Are you ready for the mothering fail?
We had limped through dinner with several spills, some tiffs, a few snarky comments and I asked the girls to help pick up some of their messes. Well, they half arsed through that and I got snippy. Everyone was doing exactly the opposite of what I had asked, and at the time, seemed to be doing it to get under my skin. Trying to sell a house with three kids is hard. Trying to sell a house with three kids, in a bad housing market is really hard. I have had my fill of picking up every flipping mess my family makes. And we are only a month into this adventure.

So we were soooo close to making it without a total loss of control and sensibility, but then it happened. All three girls simultaneously pissed me off and.........
I grabbed a wooden stick toy out of Jane's hand(that she was purposely trying to hit/miss Tess with) and BROKE IT IN HALF ACROSS MY THIGH WHILE I GROWLED LIKE A SASQUATCH.
Tess started crying, Kate jumped on her bed and hid under the covers and Jane stood there shocked and then started crying.

Total mother fail.

I had been warning them all day that I was hanging on by a thread.
The good news is that all three girls were in bed and asleep by 8:15 tonight and before Tess and Kate fell asleep I had a chance to apologize for my behavior. I accepted full responsibility for acting like a lunatic and asked for forgiveness and love.

Thankfully they both said they still love me, although Kate gave me the so-so hand sign when I asked her if she still liked me.
The best was when we all three discussed that I don't lose my mind very often, they said I had NEVER lost it, but they clearly are wrong. I have never broke a piece of wood over my thigh before though.
Thank you Jesus that the stupid thing broke.
They ended the conversation saying that they had seen dad act like that before, "but not you, mom!"
It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, day.